Now I am free...

We are victims of the rules we live by. I don't do that, I will never talk to that person, I can't go that way, I hate doing that, I cannot stand those people, I am so much better, my religion doesn't allow that, I do it this way, I I I, it's so limiting to think and feel that way. The only rule we should follow is what comes from our hearts, and not worry so much on how society will perceive our actions, our feelings, etc. I have worried so much on what people will think of me for so long now, because if I had my way I would do things differently, but I was so worried and so attached to that feeling, and that little voice saying well won't they think you are out of your mind, who the hell is going to think that? People are worried about their survival, their struggles and their successes. Girl, ain't nobody worrying about if your ass is crazy or normal etc. It's absolutely in my head I know, but it just feels so real sometimes, and why do I focus so much on what people will think of me to a point of being crippled by the thought of even trying something new. Sometimes, not to seem crazy I'll make a joke about it, like yeah I'm taking that class or I'm going here, but why should I be embarrassed by my curiousity? I love learning about new things, even if I don't master them, I know I tried it. For example, I take quitar lessons, sewing lessons, etc not because I want to be a rockstar and fashion designer but because I just wanted to know how to do that so I took lessons. I love learning and finding out things and figuring out things and I'll just let my curiousity about life take me, lead me and guide me, no longer will I be lead, guided and taken by my fears of what I'll be perceived like.

Make my grandmother proud...

My mom was talking about how she grew up, and how my grandmother emphasized education to my mom and her sisters. She made sure everyone went to the best schools, I remember when we started school, we went to live with her because she wanted to make sure we had the best education. When I was in first grade, she was learning how to read and write, and she had a bunch of women from the neighborhood taught life skills so they wouldn't have to depend on their husbands 100%. Growing up my grandmother, because she was a girl she didn't go to school, while her brothers went to school and become professionals, my grandmother and her sisters didn't because it was just assumed they would get married. She was married ofcourse, but her husband had 14 other wives, and when he died, she had to start all over because she only had daughters so she didn't inherit anything. I think that's why it was really important for her for us to have the best education.
When my mom when was telling the story I felt bad for not pushing myself academically, I always settled for good enough, I was capable of more, but I never pushed myself. The whole day I just felt bad and quilty especially, I felt like why didn't I just go to Yale, but I think I missed the point, I think the point of my grandmother working so hard for us to get a good education wasn't because she wanted us to be doctors, etc specifically, but I think she wanted us to get an equal chance of making it, and education is the best tool to have under your belt.
The next day, I spoke to one of my friends, he's one of those people who inspire you do better, because he's been through so much, but he works really hard and I see how his hard work pays off. I want to make my grandmother very proud of me, in anything I do, I want to do it the best way I know how, and to make sure I inspire someone along the way the way she did to me, and the rest of my family.

...Just Be

I learn everyday, sometimes it's easy and sometimes I learn the hard way. One of the most important lessons I have learned is to just be myself. I always worried about fitting in or not standing out, I just wanted to just blend in, didn't want anyone to notice me, this way noone would look at my flaws, my imperfections. It's funny because I thought I am alone in that world, where you feel inadequate and powerless with your life, and I made my decisions based on that mentality especially in my younger years in High school, What would I tell that girl in high school who felt so out of place that she literally silenced herself and stayed on the corner because she felt she wasn't enough? I focused too much on what everyone would think of me, I didn't consider what I thought, I just thought well, whatever I think isn't right, or whatever I like is not ok, so I didn't listen to my heart, my instincts, I was too busy pleasing the world, I never even considered what God thought, I just felt so far away from God, even though I went to church, I never really had a personal relationship with God, If only I knew God was in me, he's with me always, and whatever made me happy would make him happy. Maybe another reason was I just wasn't conscious enough, about the world around me, I didn't know why I was here, or what I was supposed to do with my life, I just went with the flow, I was not conscious at all, I never thought, it's weird I never put God and life together, they were separate entinties as far I was concerned, I saw life as this this place, where everyone was supposed to act a certain way in order to fit in, and I was supposed to act a certain way to please God, "act" ! The God I know doesn't want me to act, he wants me to be the best me I can be, God doesn't even care or worry about my insecurities. Little did I know, if part of God then I am perfect, we all are, our actions and our humanity are different, I'm a human being who make mistakes, I'm not a mistake because I'm a human being. So I would tell that high school girl, who wouldn't even go to the prom because she felt so ugly and undeserving, that she was and all she had to do was be the best she could be period.

...FAITH

Doubt is my close friend I want to get rid off, procastination is my bestest friend, and she knows I cling to her like that damb us denial, they love that I depend on them all the time, anytime I want to leave them they hug me a bit tighter, love me a little more, but I don't want or need their love. I want to be close to faith, courage and willpower, they are good friends to have, they will push me to no end. My dreams are too big for me to wait around for doubt, procastination and denial to love me back, I realize they will never love me back anyway. I am moving on to big and better things, and that is courage, willpower and faith, I know they will love me unconditionally, they will, I love them already and I'm ready to take them in and have them in my life.
I always have ideas, I should do this I should do that but never really get to it because of my fears of embarrasing myself, thinking my ideas are not good enough, people will think it's absolutely stupid, I'm not capable enough to actually execute my ideas properly, the list goes on and on. For example I wanted to have a blog for the longest time, but I thought, no one is going to read it, what do I have to say that people will respond to. One day I just decided you know what I'm going to write on a blog anyway, whether I read it to myself or 10 people to 100 people read it, at least I won't have that nagging feeling of shoulda coulda woulda.
After I wrote that, I saw this article and I thought how appropriate...
How to Have Unwavering Faith in your Own Ideas

Written by Christine Kane

Have you ever said something like this to a friend…

“Okay – I have this idea. Here’s the deal…

[You then spend a good three minutes explaining your idea for a direction you want to go in – or a business you want to start - and then you finish the whole thing off by asking,]

“…Is that a good idea? Or am I just, like, COMPLETELY insane, totally freakin’ NUTS?”

So, let’s talk about this little habit for a moment, okay?

Here’s why.

Because #1: The IDEA is not the problem.

And #2: YOU are!

If you recognize yourself in that above example, it’s okay. But I want you to understand the REAL ISSUE.

The real issue is not about the idea. The real issue is about DOING IT. And the even realer issue is about fear. As Seth Godin so aptly states: “There isn’t a shortage of ideas. There’s a shortage of execution.”

So here’s a few simple ways to begin creating unwavering faith behind your ideas – so you can (gasp!) DO something about them.

1. Consider HOW you share your ideas.

Okay – let’s just SAY that you’re sharing your idea with a friend. And let’s just say that you do it with the self-deprecating “finisher.” (ie, “…or am I just an idiot”, “…or is that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard?”, “…or does that idea just totally suck?”)

I call this the “smoke and mirrors” approach to sharing an idea. The share-ee, rather than getting to jump in and help you with your idea – now has to deal with the QUESTION you’ve presented – which is dramatic, self-defacing, and has absolutely nothing at all to do with your idea.

Imagine you’re sitting in front of Donald Trump, and he’s considering investing in your idea, your business, or your art. Would he even give you a second of his time if you closed with one of your self-deprecating questions?

No way!

Your friend has the same dilemma.

When it comes right down to it, people read your energy MORE THAN they absorb your idea. If your energy is all over the place, it’ll be hard for them to take your idea seriously.

2 – “Procrastination-by-Inquiry.”


One night I caught an MTV video with a cool-dude electric guitar player surrounded by women clad in nothing but plastic thongs. It gave me an idea for a song.

Rather than pick up my guitar and begin writing, I did the next best thing. I waited!

Then I waited some more!

Then I called my friend Kathy. I explained about the video and about my idea for the song – and then began a long litany of reasons my idea was so boring, and did she think it was a stupid idea, and should I just give up on everything in my life?

After a long pause, Kathy said, “I’ll tell you what Christine. You write the song. Then we’ll decide if it’s good.”

Face it. There’s absolutely NO way to know if an idea is going to be “a good idea.” In fact, there’s at least 10 good reasons it’s NOT going to work. Asking people about your idea is often just “Procrastination-by-Inquiry.” You aren’t going to know if it’s good until you start DOING something about it.

(By the way, that song I mentioned became my most requested song ever.)

3 – Be careful WHO you share your idea with

I’m guessing there’s probably about five people in your life with one common trait:

They’re the WORST people you could EVER share a new idea with. They’ll trample all over it. They’ll tell you it’s a terrible idea – and yes you ARE, in fact, insane.

So, then, why are we compelled to share our ideas with these five folks?

Well, the truth is: they provide an amazing service. In fact, we secretly LOVE these people and how they trash our ideas with bone-chilling sarcasm.

Why?

Because then we never have to do anything about them! We don’t have to take action. After all, if Uncle Richie says that your idea for a vegetarian catering service stinks – then hey, good news! You don’t have to face your fears! Now you get to head home and dive headlong into a bag of Cheeto’s and watch reruns of The Biggest Loser on the Lifestyle channel! Woohoo!

Do yourself a favor. For the sake of your spirit and your ability to take action – be mindful of who gets to hear about ANY of your ideas.

4 – The most crucial question of all.

Here’s a question that will end all questioning, all excuses, and will make you the most productive kid on your block.

“What is the very next step I need to take?”

When I knew I wanted to be a songwriter, I bought a new guitar. Then I signed up for lessons. Then I’d sit in my Georgetown apartment and learn riffs while a metronome ticked along in the background.

At no time, during the implementing of these steps could anyone say to me: “Are you INSANE?? You’re playing SCALES? Have you LOST YOUR MIND?”

No. Because I was simply taking the next step.

Here’s a secret I’ve learned about execution:

Getting an idea is step one. The rest of the steps are all about tricking your ego into shutting up so you can get stuff done. The ego would prefer it if you’d just continue getting big ideas. The ego LOVES your big ideas because then it can reach into its arsenal of big fears, big dramas and big emotional hooks – and it can MATCH your big idea. Tit for tat.

The ego doesn’t have much to say when you sit down and do some work for 30 minutes. That’s not nearly dramatic enough.

So, what’s the next step you need to take?

5 – Give it Legs.


It is said that the most successful people make decisions quickly.

Even if that doesn’t apply to every single decision, it makes perfect sense. Many of us let our emotions, our hooks, and our drama become the perfect excuse for procrastination and fear.

Wanna know the exactly how to have faith in your idea? Decide to do it.

Decision gives legs to intentions.

Make a decision. Tell someone you’re going to do it. Move forward. Then wake up tomorrow and decide again.

Anytime your faith wavers, decide again.

Anytime it wavers after that, decide again.

Ever felt like giving up

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are so far away from me, and all I want to do is just give up the fight but then I'll have little reminders, or encouragement out of nowhere something that inspires me to keep pushing will come out of nowhere, i.e that quote, I was minding my business looking at pictures, and I have this energy of defeat and the quote just came. I know I'm uber lucky and truly grateful, but that for some reason doesn't not stop my fears, fears of failing, of success, of what ifs, etc the list goes on and on and sometimes I think I'm going to drive myself crazy for worrying about things that are not even here yet. I know what I should do but when I get in my worry mode all of that goes out of the way. Sometimes I look at people and they are so calm and collected and here I am becoming unglued, but I know better, I have the tools, I know I need to live in the moment, you know, I don't even know if tomorrow will come for me, so why worry about something that's not even here yet, why?


Here are some of the ways I pull myself out of the funk to keep focused on what's in front of me
1. Focusing on what is here now, for example, it's raining hard right now, and I love rain, so I'm going to enjoy the sound, the smell, how it makes me feel, read a book, just enjoy "the beautiful weather"



2. Focusing on my breathing or meditate, pray or repeat positive affirmations to myself.


3. Hang out with like minded people, I know for me, when I'm around people who are negative all the time, it's actually physically painful for me, so I much rather be around people who are positive and love life. We all have our struggles and pain, but we don't need to inflict that on innocent bystanders, being positive around people is contagious and you can change someone's day.


4. Feel what you feeling
In other words, don't deny or try to ignore feelings, just say yes to the feelings the more you fight those feelings they harder they come at you, so just feel it out and just surrender.

Being natural

I love being natural, I really never felt comfortable with permed hair or weaves, I never felt like I was being truly myself. So I thought why not just go natural, I tried twice and ended up perming it because I just wasn't comfortable, felt judged and I just didn't want to deal with the stares and stupid questions, but then I thought well how crazy is that, I want my hair a certain way but I'm afraid of what society is going to say because that's not considered to be the norm, especially with my hair texture, people tell me if I had good hair then I would leave it natural, what? My hair is good, it's mine. I'm not natural because it's a political statement, I'm natural because it's the best thing for me and my hair. I have never felt more beautiful, more comfortable in my life, maybe part of it is getting older, you get comfortable in your own skin. It's funny because I find it more white people are acceptable of my hair, black women are like wtf put that thing away, lol and then you have some who want to do the same so they root for you too. It has been a journey that I just love, it's accepting myself, not altering anything to fit in society standard of beauty, I have curved my own definition, and that's perfect for me.

daddy told me not to involve myself in politics...

My dad is so right, I think you don't have to be involved in politics to make a difference, offcourse if the government is behind you that's a plus, but I think most of us wait around for the government to decide if they are going to help us or not, and by that time we have wasted precious time.
Today we went to a meeting with our Prime Minister, from Tanzania, and he spoke about all the improvements of the country and how well they are doing. A lot of people I feel have concerns and complain a lot about their governments but they don't personally do anything to change their environment.
I'm always really careful to blame governments because governments are built by people without the people there is no government, I don't know if people forget that their governments are supposed to work for them or not, who knows, but I just know I can't wait for my government to fix everything single problem in my community, not only is it unrealistic but it's also impossible. I can't as an individual wait for my government to change anything if I'm not willing to participate in that change. There is so much we can do as individuals, and that's the only way we can have perfect governments, when each person takes responsibility for theirs, it's only way. Until then we will blame, blame and blame our governments.

quote from Eat Pray Love

“I want to have a lasting experience of God,” I told him. “Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time. But I dont want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God.”
It's like she was speaking for me, I've always wanted to be closer to God but I didn't want to be a nun and I never wanted to be a pagan, I just want to love God without having a heavy label, or to seem like I'm in a competition because I love God more or less. How can I be in both worlds, is it possible? I would like to think so because that is where I stand and that's where I feel comfortable. I think sometimes whatever perception we have of God, our limitations, flaws, etc we put that in God, but he's more than just labels, if he can love us unconditionally, why can't we love him and each the same way.

101 things in 1001 days...

1.glp
2.speak well of others behind their backs
3.dance in the rain
4.identify 100 things that make me happy
5.don't cut my hair for the duration of 1001 days
6.read 100 books from different authors around the world
7.build a library in bkb
8.baby
9.ask for advice and take
10.take photography classes
11.take each of my family members on dates individually
12.write a book
13.send a message in a bottle or balloons
14.make a birthday cake for someone
15.dj for a party with music I love
16.go vegan for a month
17.write a letter to a person I admire
18.plant a tree
19.sing kareoke at a bar
20.interview african artists
21.sewing machine
22.start a blog
23.buy a vespa
24.go to coachella
25.have a themed birthday party
26.go to Tanzania
27.Essence music festival
28.learn spanish
29.play five songs on my quitar
30.go to catalina island
31.visit family in vegas
32.start classes at fit
33.create a social website
34.run for 30 minutes for 30 days straight
35.start bikram yoga
36.write postcards to friends and family
37.go to spain and greece to visit family
38.learn how to ride a bicycle lol
39.get a chandelier for my room
40.redo my room
41.go to a sporting even
42.no tv for a week
43.attend fashion week (arise)
44.play tennis
45.learn about different religions
46.do insanity for 60 days straight
47.get a ride on a motorcycle
48.do px90
49.start an organization
50.start a movement
51.change careers
52.take writing classes
53.dance lessons
54.attend seminars
55.no soda or juice for 1001 days
56.save a dollar a day for 1001
57.shoe making classes
58.jewerly making classes
59.go to a beyonce concert
60.go to a reggae concert (damien marley)
61.have a party with a live band
62.go on the oprah show
63.write a letter to myself to open in ten years
64.learn to shoot and edit video
65.make an all season film
66.spend a day with God
67.flea market shop only for a year
68.cook different culture foods
69.no junk food for the duration of 1001 days
70.introduce myself to strangers
71.look for a loft in brooklyn
72.ts for a month everyday
73.explore family tree
74.plant a rose garden
75.make curtains
76.sell my jewerly
77.have a garage sale
78.get a membership at film movement
79.make handbags
80.get a earcuff earring
81.do 100 stomach crunches for 100 days straight
82.make a candle light dinner for someone special
83.make a dress
84.surf
85.read bible cover to cover
86.complete a 365 days photo challenge
87.meditation seminar
88.mentor a kid
89.DIY projects (50)
90.take cooking classes with mom
91.make portfolio
92.write a book of poetry
93.start my masters
94.paint five paintings
95.give a speak at TED
96.send a boy flowers
97.50 random acts of kindness
98.volunteer at a children hospital
99.go to an orphanage and bring toys, shoes, etc
100.buy uniforms for 100 kids in tanzania
101.surrender

...

Yes Please!!!

earring from net-a-porter.com

How beautiful are those earrings, anyway let me focus on the task at hand right now.
I have been reading a book called the Artist way, it's a 12 week spiritual path to higher creativity, everymorning you are encouraged to write three pages of whatever is on your mind, at first I thought, there is no way I am going to come up with three pages that early in the morning everyday, I was wrong...I have so much in to write about I found out.
This journey is extremely personal, I was really hesitant and still am to document my personal feelings for people to view. I am very shy by nature, I never want people to know my true feelings, it's easier that way, then I don't have to explain myself. I was always like that, I figured the less I said the better it was for me and everyone around me, I never want to give my opinion even though I know I'm right at times, I never want to involve myself too much. I don't even know why I am like that, but I ever since I can remember, I think one the reason why was I was always compared to my siblings, or other people, and that shut me down and that was the beginning of me feeling I was less than and unworthy and then my self doubts and insecurities started. When you are five years old, you take everything personal, if someone says you are good at singing, you take and run with it, if someone says you are not good enough, you take that and run with it, and that what I did. For years I walked around with my chin on my chest, because I was too afraid to look up, I never felt deserving. I just felt awkward and out of my skin, I can't even explain. So it was difficult for me to even form any opinion about myself because I believed in everyone's opinion's but my own.

Time doesn't wait for no one.

I am the biggest procrastinator I know, I've wanted to have a blog for so long now, I toyed with different ideas, I love love fashion so I was going to do a blog on fashion, but for me it really didn't feel that appropriate, then I wanted to do one about Africa and my passion for all things African, then I thought it would be sorta whiny because of what's happening in the motherland, or maybe my opinions are different from others so I'll keep that political bull in me inside. I ultimately wanted a blog that would represent me 100% but still be able to relate to people, inspiring for me and others. I've always been curious about life, how we perceive the same exact things so differently, how we have the same dreams, how we have the same fears, how some of us succeed at battling our fears and some of us remain stagnant. I am super duper curious about life so I thought this would be the absolute best thing for me. I love writing, so this is up my alley. On this blog I want to connect to people.