Ever felt like giving up

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are so far away from me, and all I want to do is just give up the fight but then I'll have little reminders, or encouragement out of nowhere something that inspires me to keep pushing will come out of nowhere, i.e that quote, I was minding my business looking at pictures, and I have this energy of defeat and the quote just came. I know I'm uber lucky and truly grateful, but that for some reason doesn't not stop my fears, fears of failing, of success, of what ifs, etc the list goes on and on and sometimes I think I'm going to drive myself crazy for worrying about things that are not even here yet. I know what I should do but when I get in my worry mode all of that goes out of the way. Sometimes I look at people and they are so calm and collected and here I am becoming unglued, but I know better, I have the tools, I know I need to live in the moment, you know, I don't even know if tomorrow will come for me, so why worry about something that's not even here yet, why?


Here are some of the ways I pull myself out of the funk to keep focused on what's in front of me
1. Focusing on what is here now, for example, it's raining hard right now, and I love rain, so I'm going to enjoy the sound, the smell, how it makes me feel, read a book, just enjoy "the beautiful weather"



2. Focusing on my breathing or meditate, pray or repeat positive affirmations to myself.


3. Hang out with like minded people, I know for me, when I'm around people who are negative all the time, it's actually physically painful for me, so I much rather be around people who are positive and love life. We all have our struggles and pain, but we don't need to inflict that on innocent bystanders, being positive around people is contagious and you can change someone's day.


4. Feel what you feeling
In other words, don't deny or try to ignore feelings, just say yes to the feelings the more you fight those feelings they harder they come at you, so just feel it out and just surrender.

Being natural

I love being natural, I really never felt comfortable with permed hair or weaves, I never felt like I was being truly myself. So I thought why not just go natural, I tried twice and ended up perming it because I just wasn't comfortable, felt judged and I just didn't want to deal with the stares and stupid questions, but then I thought well how crazy is that, I want my hair a certain way but I'm afraid of what society is going to say because that's not considered to be the norm, especially with my hair texture, people tell me if I had good hair then I would leave it natural, what? My hair is good, it's mine. I'm not natural because it's a political statement, I'm natural because it's the best thing for me and my hair. I have never felt more beautiful, more comfortable in my life, maybe part of it is getting older, you get comfortable in your own skin. It's funny because I find it more white people are acceptable of my hair, black women are like wtf put that thing away, lol and then you have some who want to do the same so they root for you too. It has been a journey that I just love, it's accepting myself, not altering anything to fit in society standard of beauty, I have curved my own definition, and that's perfect for me.

daddy told me not to involve myself in politics...

My dad is so right, I think you don't have to be involved in politics to make a difference, offcourse if the government is behind you that's a plus, but I think most of us wait around for the government to decide if they are going to help us or not, and by that time we have wasted precious time.
Today we went to a meeting with our Prime Minister, from Tanzania, and he spoke about all the improvements of the country and how well they are doing. A lot of people I feel have concerns and complain a lot about their governments but they don't personally do anything to change their environment.
I'm always really careful to blame governments because governments are built by people without the people there is no government, I don't know if people forget that their governments are supposed to work for them or not, who knows, but I just know I can't wait for my government to fix everything single problem in my community, not only is it unrealistic but it's also impossible. I can't as an individual wait for my government to change anything if I'm not willing to participate in that change. There is so much we can do as individuals, and that's the only way we can have perfect governments, when each person takes responsibility for theirs, it's only way. Until then we will blame, blame and blame our governments.

quote from Eat Pray Love

“I want to have a lasting experience of God,” I told him. “Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time. But I dont want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God.”
It's like she was speaking for me, I've always wanted to be closer to God but I didn't want to be a nun and I never wanted to be a pagan, I just want to love God without having a heavy label, or to seem like I'm in a competition because I love God more or less. How can I be in both worlds, is it possible? I would like to think so because that is where I stand and that's where I feel comfortable. I think sometimes whatever perception we have of God, our limitations, flaws, etc we put that in God, but he's more than just labels, if he can love us unconditionally, why can't we love him and each the same way.

101 things in 1001 days...

1.glp
2.speak well of others behind their backs
3.dance in the rain
4.identify 100 things that make me happy
5.don't cut my hair for the duration of 1001 days
6.read 100 books from different authors around the world
7.build a library in bkb
8.baby
9.ask for advice and take
10.take photography classes
11.take each of my family members on dates individually
12.write a book
13.send a message in a bottle or balloons
14.make a birthday cake for someone
15.dj for a party with music I love
16.go vegan for a month
17.write a letter to a person I admire
18.plant a tree
19.sing kareoke at a bar
20.interview african artists
21.sewing machine
22.start a blog
23.buy a vespa
24.go to coachella
25.have a themed birthday party
26.go to Tanzania
27.Essence music festival
28.learn spanish
29.play five songs on my quitar
30.go to catalina island
31.visit family in vegas
32.start classes at fit
33.create a social website
34.run for 30 minutes for 30 days straight
35.start bikram yoga
36.write postcards to friends and family
37.go to spain and greece to visit family
38.learn how to ride a bicycle lol
39.get a chandelier for my room
40.redo my room
41.go to a sporting even
42.no tv for a week
43.attend fashion week (arise)
44.play tennis
45.learn about different religions
46.do insanity for 60 days straight
47.get a ride on a motorcycle
48.do px90
49.start an organization
50.start a movement
51.change careers
52.take writing classes
53.dance lessons
54.attend seminars
55.no soda or juice for 1001 days
56.save a dollar a day for 1001
57.shoe making classes
58.jewerly making classes
59.go to a beyonce concert
60.go to a reggae concert (damien marley)
61.have a party with a live band
62.go on the oprah show
63.write a letter to myself to open in ten years
64.learn to shoot and edit video
65.make an all season film
66.spend a day with God
67.flea market shop only for a year
68.cook different culture foods
69.no junk food for the duration of 1001 days
70.introduce myself to strangers
71.look for a loft in brooklyn
72.ts for a month everyday
73.explore family tree
74.plant a rose garden
75.make curtains
76.sell my jewerly
77.have a garage sale
78.get a membership at film movement
79.make handbags
80.get a earcuff earring
81.do 100 stomach crunches for 100 days straight
82.make a candle light dinner for someone special
83.make a dress
84.surf
85.read bible cover to cover
86.complete a 365 days photo challenge
87.meditation seminar
88.mentor a kid
89.DIY projects (50)
90.take cooking classes with mom
91.make portfolio
92.write a book of poetry
93.start my masters
94.paint five paintings
95.give a speak at TED
96.send a boy flowers
97.50 random acts of kindness
98.volunteer at a children hospital
99.go to an orphanage and bring toys, shoes, etc
100.buy uniforms for 100 kids in tanzania
101.surrender

...

Yes Please!!!

earring from net-a-porter.com

How beautiful are those earrings, anyway let me focus on the task at hand right now.
I have been reading a book called the Artist way, it's a 12 week spiritual path to higher creativity, everymorning you are encouraged to write three pages of whatever is on your mind, at first I thought, there is no way I am going to come up with three pages that early in the morning everyday, I was wrong...I have so much in to write about I found out.
This journey is extremely personal, I was really hesitant and still am to document my personal feelings for people to view. I am very shy by nature, I never want people to know my true feelings, it's easier that way, then I don't have to explain myself. I was always like that, I figured the less I said the better it was for me and everyone around me, I never want to give my opinion even though I know I'm right at times, I never want to involve myself too much. I don't even know why I am like that, but I ever since I can remember, I think one the reason why was I was always compared to my siblings, or other people, and that shut me down and that was the beginning of me feeling I was less than and unworthy and then my self doubts and insecurities started. When you are five years old, you take everything personal, if someone says you are good at singing, you take and run with it, if someone says you are not good enough, you take that and run with it, and that what I did. For years I walked around with my chin on my chest, because I was too afraid to look up, I never felt deserving. I just felt awkward and out of my skin, I can't even explain. So it was difficult for me to even form any opinion about myself because I believed in everyone's opinion's but my own.

Time doesn't wait for no one.

I am the biggest procrastinator I know, I've wanted to have a blog for so long now, I toyed with different ideas, I love love fashion so I was going to do a blog on fashion, but for me it really didn't feel that appropriate, then I wanted to do one about Africa and my passion for all things African, then I thought it would be sorta whiny because of what's happening in the motherland, or maybe my opinions are different from others so I'll keep that political bull in me inside. I ultimately wanted a blog that would represent me 100% but still be able to relate to people, inspiring for me and others. I've always been curious about life, how we perceive the same exact things so differently, how we have the same dreams, how we have the same fears, how some of us succeed at battling our fears and some of us remain stagnant. I am super duper curious about life so I thought this would be the absolute best thing for me. I love writing, so this is up my alley. On this blog I want to connect to people.